OK, so I went through and entered all my contact and financial info... everything was going well... hit the continue button, then I got this:

Error:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could not grant you access to this resource.

Please contact sales@ev1servers.net to investigate
this issue or try our offline signup.. We apologize
for the inconvenience.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

So... what the heck does this mean??? How do we fix this?

email them, and see what was the problem..

Well, I sent them an email right off. Been well over an hour, no reply yet. That's why I asked here.

Well damn... still no reply.

go to support and click on live sales

That way you can chat to someone live

Ohhh KAYYYY...

So, I get home. I try again from home. STILL the same horse@#!@#!@#!@#!.

I FINALLY get an email. It contains an 800 number to call. Oh goody.

First off, the guy tries to make it sound it's some perturbance in the fabric of the universe that effects only me. He then goes off the horn suddenly, leaving me in total silence. He comes back on. Oh sorry, our online app is total crap, not working, just found out, haha. And then I have to jump through some hoops from hell REWRITING URL'S MYSELF with support dude reading them out to my over the phone. This has to be done SEVERAL TIMES.

And then the fscking thing declines my card, which I KNOW TO HAVE MONEY IN IT. All it needs to do is check to see if I have enough funds for a damned $60 transaction, but either *IT* (and I stress, IT) is screwed up or it tries to preauth the fscking moon. At this point, as I'm trying to not get stressed out of my mind, some kind of weird slap and tickle session breaks out in the background at the other end, sounding suspiciously like a guy and gal are really enjoying themselves, and plan to have a LOT more fun as soon as the annoying customer goes away.

After this, support dude goes into nasty-nice mode with three lbs of sugar on top and tells me I can speak to his manager if I'm not happy. For I all I know, it might have been his manager he was planning to schtupp as soon as I got off the line.

In short, do you guys want to sell me a VPS or are you running a clown college there???

Did you bother trying the offline signup referenced when you first got the error page?

Yup, sure did. THOSE don't work unless you rewrite the URL's by hand at specific points.

As I'm not psychic, I have to be walked through it.

OK, a big thank you out to Brandon for helping me make this extremely broken 'process' work.

At least I think it worked... not sure until I get the confirmation email.

So try the livechat so they can give you the url. Then all you have to do is pointy-clicky and follow the bouncing instructions.
http://ev1servers.net/english/support/index.asp
click on the 'click here' by 'Chat' in the 'Sales Contact Information' box.

That should do it.

Never mind. Looks like you are getting somewhere already.